Signs of Struggle

So, I'm that teacher. You know the one -- the teacher that's covered in chalk (or in my case overhead markers) and has several pencils in her hair by the end of the day? I also answered my own question and decided that I can wear the same pair of pants at least twice in one week; I'm pretty sure that doesn't make me any cooler. Looking back, I realize that the teachers I had who were chalk-covered and unkempt didn't have time to care. Neither do I, but my plight is also partly to blame on my genes. My mom, sister, and I are graceless. My sister could trick you -- she looks and walks like grace itself, but if you watch her for awhile, you'll notice she's just like me.

My master teacher would just laugh and say that "certain things are hard for you, eh Ludwig?" But now she's gone. Friday was her last day; she has entered the last few weeks of pregnancy and confidently left me in her stead. I think she may be too confident. I woke up with a stomachache every day last week. All the seasoned teachers tell me that it's normal to be nervous, and that, if I in fact weren't nervous, something would be wrong with me. This is no comfort. My mom's reaction? "Oh mija, you're going to be wonderful. Those kids are so lucky to have you!" Also no comfort. She'd say the same thing if I became a professional dog-walker, just replace 'kids' with 'dogs'.

To add insult to my psychological injury, my credential program has made sure to keep me drowning in busy work for the foreseeable future. This means that my favorite stress-relieving activity, reading, is not really an option. The last book I read was Freedomland. I started A Confederacy of Dunces (my new favorite way to refer to my credential program as a whole), but it was unfortunately hilarious from the jump. It took everything in my power to put it down. Now Ignatius Reilly is mocking me, staring up at me from my nightstand. Even worse, my brain turns mushy when I don't read, which perpetuates my fear cycle that I won't be a good teacher, but to be a good anything, I need to have me-time, but there is no me-time, so alas...

I'll let you know how it goes.